Worth (of) A Shot
by augmentedfourth
Summary: The Citadel and Reapers are destroyed, Vera Shepard is clinging to life, and Joker's love has been ripped away by the Crucible's beam. Plagued by guilt over the fallout from her decisions, the commander tracks down some old friends in an effort to give her faithful pilot the ultimate gift. (Post-Destroy, some minor Shenko, much of the rest of the cast pops up here and there.)
1. Chapter 1

Lashes fluttered in the darkness as Jeff slowly opened one eye, then the other. He shifted in his seat and met resistance with the little-used safety harness. As he fumbled for the buckle, memories penetrated through the disorienting fog of his headache.

He'd flown the Normandy away from Earth and the detonating Citadel at the ship's maximum speed. Knowing his commander was still there fighting had made him wait to depart as long as possible. Were it not for his crewmates urging him to escape, they would have gotten caught in the blast.

_Garrus…Traynor…. _With tentative caution, Jeff looked from side to side. There were no signs of his friends where they had been standing when the blinding red light had enveloped them. His fingers finally found the mechanism to release the seat belt, and the thick straps snapped back into the recesses in the leather seats.

He took a deep breath and winced. Fractured ribs were possible, if not probable following the crash. Bracing himself on the armrests, he attempted to put weight on his legs. Luck had accompanied their rapid descent, for he was able to stand.

The only light on the bridge came from the few emergency sensors that were still operational. Not a single icon on his expansive control panel glowed. Turning around, he saw a figure collapsed on the floor against the wall several yards away. He hurried over as fast as his feet would let him and leaned over.

Though unconscious, Garrus was breathing. "Guess those plates on his head come in handy," Jeff mumbled to himself. The sounds of movement behind him grabbed his attention and he straightened up.

Blood trickled from a gash in Samantha Traynor's forehead, streaking one cheek with crimson rivulets. Despite the injury, she tapped on the screen of her terminal. "Almost every single one of our systems is down," she explained when the pilot approached her. "I can't even figure out where in the galaxy we are."

"Well, if life support isn't functional and we haven't suffocated yet, that's a good sign, right?"

She nodded.

"Only one way to find out." Jeff backtracked to the airlock and faced the door. No electricity flowed to the mechanisms, but he was able to activate a series of manual levers. Sunlight blinded him as the door slid open, and he stepped out of the damaged spacecraft.

Lush foliage and verdant hills greeted him as his feet hit solid ground. His body throbbed with the exertion, yet he pushed himself to explore the immediate area. Boots thudded in the dirt behind him. Kaidan appeared at his side, soon followed by James. Neither one spoke.

Gentle breezes and stunned silence swept over the group as one by one, the crew exited the Normandy. Tali was the first to voice everyone's thoughts. "What happened? Where are we?"

"Surface gravity and atmospheric pressure seem to be similar to those of Earth," Liara said. "If we had to make an emergency landing on a planet, there are certainly worse options in the galaxy."

Jeff squinted out over the landscape. Memories of manipulating the ship's controls just prior to impact pricked at the edge of his mind, though they still lacked clarity. He turned around to ask the others if they could fill in some of the gaps, but as he scanned the personnel assembled around the door, a knot twisted in his stomach. "Where's EDI?" he asked.

His crewmates exchanged panicked glances. "She got on the ship with me when Shepard…." Kaidan winced, as if someone had punched him. "I didn't see her after we crashed, but I came upstairs as soon as I woke up."

Jeff shoved past him to return to the airlock. He climbed back inside the ship and stumbled towards the elevator. "EDI? EDI!"

"It's not working." Kaidan said, having followed behind him. "I had to take the emergency stairs."

A tiny recessed door stood in an adjacent panel, which the major had left open. Jeff slipped inside and began the painstaking descent to the shuttle bay, ignoring any offers of assistance from his companions. His legs ached and burned, yet the risk of fractures wasn't nearly enough to deter him.

The same dim emergency bulbs lit the lowest level of the ship. In the poor lighting, few details of the stored machinery were visible. Out of the corner of his eye, something metallic glinted in the eerie glow.

He swiveled his head to the right. Silver limbs jutted out from a heap at grotesque angles. Like a rag doll cast aside in a child's bedroom, EDI lay crumpled on the floor, her visor shattered into jagged pieces beside her. The rest of her chassis appeared intact, but she remained motionless at the men's approach.

"EDI!" Jeff staggered towards her, lowering himself to a sitting position by her side. There was no reply. He pulled her body towards him, straightening her arms and legs as best he could while he slid her across the cold metal floor. "_EDI!_"

The only response was his own voice echoing throughout the massive chamber.

Several other members of the crew appeared behind Kaidan. Jeff looked at them all, searching their faces for impossible answers. "How do I…what do I do?" he asked in a strained whisper.

Another bout of silence descended upon the usually talkative group, this one far more awkward than the previous. Liara was the first to break the discomfort. "Tali and some of the others went to the engineering deck. They hope to start restoring the ship's systems as soon as possible."

"Do you think it'll work? Will it…will it bring her back?"

Apprehension clouded the asari's cobalt eyes. "I hope so."

Hours passed. Jeff's colleagues found other ways to busy themselves on the grounded ship, leaving him alone with the unmoving robot in his lap. The lingering shreds of hope disintegrated further with each endless minute. He remained frozen in place, unsure of his options and unwilling to leave her.

After what felt like weeks, the lights in the shuttle bay flashed back on. The majority of the ship's systems were still down, but a gentle hum emanated from the heart of the vessel. Evicted from the shadows by the restored illumination, Jeff gazed downwards. With one fingertip, he tenderly traced the line of her angled cheekbone and made one last plea. "EDI?"

Cold, unblinking eyes stared back up at him. No traces of life, synthetic or otherwise, shone behind them. EDI was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Air rushed past her cracked lips with a sharp gasp. The intake of air caused her lungs to burn, but she didn't have enough energy left to cough and wheeze. Each eyelid felt like it weighed one hundred pounds. Shepard forced them open anyway.

Blurred shapes and dusky shadows swam before her. The fires continued to constrict her chest and she tried to crawl away from the pain. Something pressed on her right leg, while her arms wouldn't respond to her commands. Panic sliced through her delirium and she struggled to keep her breathing steady.

Inhaling and exhaling, she tried to wiggle her fingers. Success. She flexed one wrist, and then the other; even with the charred remains of her armor, she coaxed some motion out of the bruised joints. The exertion added to her fatigue, however, and she rested before attempting movement again.

Voices rumbled somewhere in the distance. She couldn't tell if they were real or an auditory hallucination. Working from the assumption help was nearby, she opened her mouth to call out. The force required to choke out a whisper increased the agony searing through her nerves.

The voices came closer, though she couldn't discern coherent words. She tried to lift her head and succeeded in raising it two inches off whatever jagged pile of rubble served as her makeshift pillow. Gray clouds of smoke unfurled towards the sky, obscuring any sign of the stars. The foreboding sight and expulsion of energy sent her head back down to lean atop the debris.

Heavy boots scuffed along the rocks and wreckage. Mustering every last ounce of strength left in her body, Shepard tried to speak one more time. Two words left her lips before the darkness enveloped her, ripping her from consciousness yet again.

"_I'm here…."_

* * *

High-pitched beeps chiseled at her eardrums in a relentless rhythm. Without opening her eyes, Shepard tried to escape from the noise and found she couldn't move. "She's waking up," someone said nearby.

An endless expanse of white flooded her senses. The pristine blur gradually sharpened to cohesive images and she glanced around without moving her head. Machines and monitors surrounded her, attached to a web of wires and sensors that flowed beneath the sheet covering her body. Her mouth wrapped around a plastic tube and the burning sensation in her lungs had subsided.

"Commander Shepard," spoke a lightly accented voice.

A woman's face appeared above her. She heard the scrape of a stool being dragged across tile and the figure sat down. "Don't try to speak," the visitor, presumably the doctor, said. "We had to intubate you to make sure you were getting enough oxygen, but I'm afraid you can't talk with the tube in."

Shepard blinked.

"We've also been keeping you sedated as your body heals." The doctor smiled. As she pushed her auburn hair away from her eyes, something about her seemed familiar. "But it's good to see you awake."

Another person entered into the wounded soldier's line of view. The newcomer leaned over to whisper something to the doctor, and she nodded. "I know you must have many questions and concerns, and we'll do our best to answer them in good time. I will tell you, however, that you were successful in stopping the Reapers. They are no longer considered a threat, and efforts to rebuild the galaxy are well underway."

The medical devices prevented her from letting out a deep sigh of relief, but tension dissolved out of her muscles and the bed suddenly felt softer.

"I thought that might make you feel a little better and help keep you on the road to recovery," the doctor said. "If your vital signs stay stable, we'll extubate you tomorrow and see if we can get you something to eat. Until then, Commander, you need to rest."

Shepard lifted her hand, taking care not to dislodge any of the adjacent equipment. She pointed to the doctor's clipboard and pantomimed writing something out.

"You'll have to pardon the paper chart. We were having some, ah, difficulties with the computerized systems and we didn't want to take any chances with your care." The doctor flipped to a fresh page and passed over a pen she produced from her pocket.

She wrapped her fingers around the small tool. Years of relying on datapads and her compromised condition made the pen feel strange in her hand. In an unsteady, childlike scrawl, she managed to convey her most pressing inquiry in four sloppy letters.

_CREW?_

The doctor smiled, though her patient could tell it was forced. "Why don't we talk about that tomorrow? I've really kept you up for far too long and—"

When she tried to take away the pad, Shepard seized the woman's wrist with a strength that surprised even herself. She used the pen to tap the page with deliberation, letting the weight of it fall on the written word three times. Her desperate stare met that of the doctor's, and she raised her eyebrows in a tacit plea.

A sigh resounded in response. "The Citadel and the Reapers weren't the only entities to sustain damage. So much was affected, from communication frequencies to the mass relays themselves." The pitying smile made its appearance again. "But just because no one's been able to get in touch with the Normandy doesn't mean we should expect the worst."

She closed her eyes. The tempo of the monitors' beeps increased and the doctor's voice drifted over them. "We need to focus on your recovery right now. I'll give you something to help you rest."

The incessant chirps faded to a dull hum and the blackness encroached upon her. Visions of her crewmates flashed through her mind, along with thoughts of the countless people her actions had affected. With one last contemplation of their fates, she tumbled back into oblivion.


	3. Chapter 3

Members of the crew gathered on the third deck of the ship. The memorial wall loomed above them, neat white letters forming the most basic of tributes to their fallen friends and colleagues. The list had trickled further down the twin columns at a steadily increasing pace since the memorial's inception. Much as the tidy rows seemed an inefficient way to remember the vitality of those behind the names, the wall served as a reminder of how insignificant their actions could be.

Jeff stood with his back to the group, facing the bare center panel. He fiddled with the narrow plaque and turned it over and over in his hands. As the surviving member of Alliance personnel onboard who had known Admiral David Anderson the longest, the honor of placing the former captain's name on the wall had fallen to him.

He'd mumbled through some highlights of the officer's career, along with several personal anecdotes. From his first time flying the Normandy under Anderson's command to the last time he saw the man sprinting towards the Citadel's beam, he tried to convey his utmost respect. Public speaking had never been his forte – no one could rouse the crew with an inspirational speech quite like Commander Shepard – but his companions appeared to appreciate his words.

He pressed the metallic rectangle into position in the center of the wall. Satisfied it was level, he moved backwards to stand at the edge of the sloppy semicircle that had formed. Kaidan stepped up to take his place, holding a similar commemorative plaque.

The air stood still, the only sound on the deck the soft whirring through the ducts of the newly-restored ventilation system. No one dared move, breathe, or otherwise shatter the tranquility of the somber moment. From his location, Jeff watched his friend stare down at the object in his hands for what felt like hours. Finally, the tiniest hint of a smile appeared on the major's lips.

He turned around. "I can't do this."

"Kaidan…." Liara tilted her head to the side and frowned, concerned.

"No," he said. "She's alive. I'm not giving up on her."

The mood shifted from solemn reverence to one of anxious tension. A half dozen gazes dropped to the floor. Garrus scuffed at the tiles with his foot while Tali adjusted something on her suit. James opened his mouth as if to speak, but shut it when Samantha delivered a swift elbow to his ribcage.

"I know you think I'm crazy," Kaidan continued. "I don't know how or why, I can't explain it. But I know she's still alive. I can _feel_ it inside me."

Though he had every reason to doubt the wild statements, Jeff accepted them. He knew what that feeling was like, to have another soul burrow so deeply inside his, the boundaries between them blurred. The absence of one left a hole in the other, and the loss of EDI still kindled an unbearable ache. A pang of irrational jealousy flashed through him at Kaidan's hope. He would have given anything to believe in the love he'd had, but two weeks had passed without any change in the AI's state. Not a moment of that fortnight went by without the vortex of her absence churning within him.

Kaidan looked at them each in turn. "You don't have to believe me. First, we need to get off this planet and reestablish contact with any other survivors, if not the Alliance." The plaque with Shepard's name dangled at his side, now an afterthought. "Are all crucial systems operational?"

"Yes, sir," Samantha said. "Adams and Tali have been working around the clock with the rest of the engineering team. Any significant damage to the ship has been repaired to the best of their abilities."

"Will we be able to take off?"

"We're as ready as we'll ever be," Tali said. "I've seen worse in the flotilla, but we'll want to get somewhere where we can run a full scan and implement more permanent fixes as soon as we can."

"Let's go." Kaidan strode towards the elevator without looking back at the wall.

Jeff followed him and they proceeded to the cockpit together. The ship's silence had been replaced by the quiet, nearly imperceptible sounds of the systems' mechanisms. It was a reassuring hum and took the place of any conversation along the ride.

The control panel glowed in reassuring colors. Jeff eased himself into the leather seat, taking comfort in the way the pliant material seemed to flow around his fragile body. He tapped the screens, summoning the information he needed to ensure a successful takeoff.

Kaidan appeared in his peripheral vision. "How are we doing on fuel?"

"I can definitely get us out of this planet's orbit. Beyond that…well, let's just say we'd better pray the nearest fuel depot is in one piece."

The major nodded, and then pointed to the empty co-pilot's chair. "May I?"

It had been years since Kaidan had sat beside him in the cockpit of the original Normandy. With Shepard gone, the role of commanding officer of the ship had been forced upon her fellow Spectre and intimate companion, whether he wanted the responsibilities or not. Nostalgia aside, if anyone deserved a front-row seat for their first post-crash voyage, it was him. However, Jeff couldn't push aside all his uneasiness. "I guess so," he finally said. "I mean, it might take some time for me to get used to someone else…you know."

Lines creased Kaidan's forehead as he frowned. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well…." He adjusted his cap and used his shoulder to rub his nose. "Might want to fasten your seat belt just to be on the safe side. Who knows what Tali rigged together to patch up the core."

The buckles clicked into place as Kaidan took his seat in the revered spot. "How are you holding up?" he asked.

Jeff kept his gaze focused on the sea of glimmering dials and flashing numbers before him. "Sorry, Major. Unless you wear something skimpy and acquire a few more _assets_, you don't get to have a deep discussion about my innermost feelings," he said, trying to deflect the question with humor.

A moment passed and he thought he'd succeeded, until his superior officer spoke again. "The ship's not the same without her."

"Nope."

"I won't pretend to know exactly how you're feeling, but remember, I've been through something similar in the past."

Jeff struggled to maintain his flippant tone. "If I change my mind and decide I need a shoulder to cry on while I shake my fist at the cruelty of the universe, you'll be the first to know."

The silence resumed and they waited for the rest of the crew to check in. Before Jeff could prepare for the commencement of the flight, the other man addressed him in a low voice. "Do you think I'm delusional?" he asked. "Fooling myself into believing something impossible?"

The pilot tapped the screen, sliding levers and activating equipment. "I don't know what to tell you," he answered.

Kaidan leaned back and stared out the window. "I've lost her before. This is different, though. I can still feel her with me."

The ship's controls danced beneath his fingertips, responding to his expert touch. Visions of EDI skated through his mind and her voice echoed in his ears. "Memories can be powerful stuff, but I'm not going to tell you you're wrong. If you really believe she's still alive, I'll stand behind you until you find proof one way or the other."

"Thanks, Joker."

Everything locked into the proper position. Jeff took a deep breath and powered up the thrusters. "Here we go," he muttered.

The ship pitched forward. It left the ground and gained speed as it soared towards the sky. Jeff calculated the proper angle and steered his vessel along the determined route. With a burst of energy, they shot through the planet's atmosphere, leaving behind the crash site and their temporary home.

He navigated carefully around whatever system they were in, not wanting to waste precious fuel. A massive shape loomed in the distance and he approached it with caution. "Holy shit," he said.

Kaidan let out a low whistle.

Dozens of ships flanked the remains of a mass relay. The once-glowing core had gone dormant, and its exterior was chipped and seared with black markings. Despite the chilling sight of the obvious damage, it was clear that repairs were underway. "What are those, turian ships?" Kaidan asked.

"Looks like that to me," Jeff said.

Kaidan spoke into the comm device closer to his seat. "Traynor, see if you can establish a connection with those ships as we get closer. Their fleet seems more intact than the Normandy."

"Yes, sir," came the response from the speaker.

Jeff guided the ship nearer to the largest turian cruiser. Samantha relayed her findings via the comm channel within a few minutes. "There was a lot of static, but I got through to one of their commanders," she said. "Though they don't have a lot of fuel to spare, they're letting us dock. We can check out their supplies and use their systems to contact the Alliance."

As she spoke, a port on the side of the giant vessel opened up. With steady hands and practiced motions he could perform in his sleep, Jeff aligned the Normandy into the proper position. Kaidan stood up once they stopped moving and summoned Garrus. "Time to find out what we missed out on during these past couple weeks," he said before heading to the airlock.

Jeff stayed in his chair, alone in the cockpit. Now that the immediate danger had passed and they had escaped back into populated space, the questions that had been plaguing them all resurfaced. What had happened to the Reapers? Did Earth still exist? What was the fate of the galaxy?

Once he accepted he would have to wait a little longer for those answers, his thoughts turned back to EDI. Her body had been carefully stored on one of the lower decks of the ship, but he couldn't help but feel he had left her behind. The imprint of her limp limbs and dead eyes haunted him every night; now, in the peaceful solitude of where he'd always felt most at home, he couldn't rid himself of the disturbing images.

At long last, Kaidan and Garrus reentered the Normandy. "What's the story?" Jeff asked.

When he swiveled around in his chair, he saw the officer's face was a stark shade of white, as if he'd seen a ghost. "We're going to help the turians rebuild this relay," he said evenly. "Because we need to get back to Earth as soon as possible."


	4. Chapter 4

Fire seared through Shepard's throat, culminating in a series of wheezing coughs. "Crap," she said in a raspy whisper. "That was…unpleasant."

"Sorry about that," the doctor said, dropping her equipment on a tray. "We usually try to extubate patients when they're still sedated, but you were already wide awake. It didn't make sense to put you out again when we wanted to see if we could get you up and about today." She passed her patient a cup of ice chips. "Start with these, then maybe we'll think about dinner later."

Shepard slipped two pieces into her mouth, letting the cold streams trickle down and soothe the remains of the burning sensation. When she spoke again, her voice was a little louder and stronger. "How long was I out?" she asked. "Please don't tell me it was two years again."

The doctor chuckled. "No, no, not nearly that long. It's been more like two weeks since you first arrived at this facility."

She looked around. There were no windows in her private room, nor were there any markings to help her distinguish where she was. Assuming whoever had found her in the rubble had brought her to a safe, Alliance-approved location, she chose to focus her attention on her caregiver. "You look familiar," she said. "I'm sorry if we've met before and I don't remember your name."

The titian-haired woman smiled, though there was a tinge of sadness in her expression. "I'm Dr. Sandra Michel. I believe you knew my sister."

Recognition mingled with realization. "She was on the Citadel when…." Shepard frowned. "I'm sorry."

"My sister loved her job and she loved being able to offer medical assistance to those on the Citadel. If I had to lose her, I can take comfort in knowing she was where she wanted to be, doing what she did best."

Thoughts of all who had been aboard the Citadel – first when the Reapers commandeered it, then when she unleashed the Crucible's energy – washed over her. She'd taken on the ultimate mission knowing that casualties were inevitable, yet she couldn't help but feel a sense of failure. "What about Earth? What about the rest of the galaxy?" she asked, fearing the answers. "What else have I missed?"

"As soon as the Reapers fell, the process of rebuilding started," Dr. Michel said. "Well, perhaps not immediately."

Shepard recalled their conversation from a previous day. "You mentioned something about a problem with some automated systems."

She nodded. "When the Crucible first detonated, everything went dark. Luckily, most of the effects were temporary and much of our technology came back online on its own soon after. More complex structures and devices, such as anything using a VI, took longer to restore."

The commander let the information sink in for a few moments. "Anything else?"

Dr. Michel nervously ruffled her hair again, pushing it away from her eyes. "Along with the Citadel, the mass relays sustained severe damage. However, since you first arrived here, the Charon Relay has been restored to full function, as have the ones in the Apien Crest and the Athena Nebula."

"And the others?"

"Soon, Commander. Soon."

As much as the reminders of all the lost lives troubled her, the idea of the multitude of troops she'd helped assemble being stranded away from their homes caused her further unease. "What were the final numbers like?"

"It's hard to say," said the doctor. "Some ships made it to the relays before the shot was fired, while others made an emergency landing on Earth." Her eyebrows furrowed together. "And some ships got caught in the blast."

"…I see."

"But many, many people, human and otherwise, survived." Dr. Michel patted her arm. "And they wouldn't have done so without you. Remember that."

"Some days I feel more heroic than others."

"I think that's allowed."

Shepard steered the topic of conversation away from her emotional state. "How long until I can return to duty? I should be helping with the restoration efforts."

"Commander, you haven't even gotten out of bed yet. We have a _lot_ to accomplish here before I'd even consider signing a release." The doctor's stern words were tempered with sympathy. "But rest assured, you're not the only one asking these questions. Ever since you were brought here, Admiral Hackett's been calling in for an update on your status every hour on the hour."

For the first time since waking up, Shepard's dry lips curved into a smile. "He's a very thorough man."

"Indeed he is. One who cares about you very much."

The contentment didn't last long. "What about the Normandy?" she finally asked, having postponed the potential for dire news as long as possible. "Has anyone heard from the crew yet? Have they checked in?"

"Not yet." Dr. Michel rubbed her arm again. "But remember, that doesn't mean anything. With the relays—"

"I know." Her jaw tightened. "Wherever they are, I know they're safe. Joker's the best damn pilot in the entire Alliance. If anyone could get a ship away from the Crucible…."

"I'm sure you're right."

"I am. Trust me."

The doctor wheeled a lightweight walker over to the bed. Pushing aside the blankets on the lower half of Shepard's body, she removed the sensors and electrodes from her legs. "Light impulses to prevent your muscles from deteriorating too much," she explained as she took care not to tangle the wires.

"When I woke up in the Cerberus facility, I was running around with a gun in my hands within moments, you know."

"Well, as you've already pointed out, they had two years to work on you," Dr. Michel countered. "Patience, Commander. I promise you'll be out of this hospital before you know it."

With assistance, Shepard swiveled her torso and let her legs drop to the floor. She gripped the handles of the walker and pulled herself up to a standing position. Her limbs felt weak and the exertion threatened to make her start wheezing again, but she was determined not to falter. "Piece of cake," she said, breathing heavily. "You'd better hope you have my pistol locked away somewhere safe where I can't get to it."

Dr. Michel laughed. "I'll take my chances."

It seemed to take hours, but the pair reached the door in a slow, deliberate shuffle. "If I let you out for a few minutes, you're not going to make a break for it, are you?" the doctor teased.

"I don't think I'd get very far in this flimsy gown and booties."

"I'll see if I can find you something more substantial for your next expedition." She pushed the door open and held it for her patient. "In the meantime, I'm glad you made it this far. There's a surprise waiting for you in the hallway."

A figure clad in a navy blue uniform rose from his seat as Shepard crossed the threshold. She couldn't stop the grin from spreading across her lips as she recognized the scarred face beneath the gold-edged hat. Steadying herself on one arm of the walker, she slowly, carefully raised her right hand to her forehead in a proper salute. "Admiral," she greeted him.

He returned the formal gesture. "Commander," he said. "It's good to see you alive and kicking."

"It's good to be here, sir." Her voice cracked on the last word.

Hackett's hand returned to his side. "I'll be honest, Shepard. I don't know how you pulled this one off."

"Some combination of expert guidance, exemplary support teams, and a fair helping of blind luck?"

"As long as it got the job done. Which it did." He nodded towards the doctor standing near the hospital room. "Now, I know you're anxious to get out of here, but you have to listen to the very proficient staff here and do whatever they tell you. I don't want to hear you've been giving them a hard time."

She bowed her head and sighed. "Yes, sir."

"Good."

Fatigue gnawed at her muscles, but she needed an update on her most crucial inquiry. "Has there been any progress on locating the Normandy?" she asked.

Hackett flashed her a rare smile, yet it was appropriately solemn for a man of his rank. "In addition to seeing for myself how you were doing, I thought I might as well deliver the news in person." His arm glowed orange as he activated his omni-tool and manipulated the controls.

The hiss of static echoed through the corridor and her ears strained to pick up words beyond the white noise. Even with the poor quality of the recording, there was no mistaking the voice of her beloved Kaidan. _"Tell her…tell her we'll be there as soon as we can. All of us."_


	5. Chapter 5

_**AN: **My Shepard always ran around in bright purple armor. I don't know why, but I just always found it fun. Somehow, it seems to have worked its way into this story..._

* * *

The ridged back of the bench dug into Jeff's spine, clearly not designed for comfort. His fingers idly poked at his omni-tool and he watched the tiles of some mindless game slide around the screen while he waited. Recently, it seemed as if he did little other than wait.

As promised, the crew of the Normandy had devoted themselves to repairing the mass relay. Physical labor had been out of the question for Jeff's entire life, so he spent the days on the ship with nothing to do before performing his designated task once again. The hours of solitude drove his thoughts to EDI, as much as he tried to escape her aching presence in his mind. He missed her soothing voice, her affection towards him, and the smooth metallic texture of her fingers when he took her hand in his.

He'd stayed closer to the crew's quarters while anticipating the next flight, rather than torturing himself with the empty cockpit.

When the relay was deemed functional, he returned to the ship's controls. The shimmering orb of eezo successfully catapulted them out of the system with no ill effects, and he steered the Normandy back to Earth. Kaidan had procured the location of Shepard's hospital and they raced towards their destination to complete their crew. As much as they all would have loved to flood the commander's room with their eager presences and well wishes, the medical staff was adamant about not overwhelming their recuperating patient.

And so Jeff sat on the unyielding plastic bench in a corridor that shone with artificial lighting and smelled of antiseptic. He'd assumed Shepard would have wanted to see Garrus, or Tali, or one of her fellow fighters before him, but Kaidan had dragged him towards the hospital, insisting she would want to see for herself that he was okay. When they finally arrived, Jeff insisted the officers' reunion be a private one and situated himself a respectful distance outside the room.

Just when he thought his body could take no more of the rigid seating, the door opened. Kaidan strode out, his dark gaze quickly locating the patient pilot. "She's a little tired, but she told me to send you in," he said.

"Are you sure?"

"I never argue. It usually doesn't end well for me." Grinning, Kaidan jerked his head towards the door. "Go on, a few minutes won't hurt anything."

Jeff stood up, wincing at the stiffness in his legs and back. He pushed open the door and entered the private room. A female doctor stood in the back corner, looking up from her datapad long enough to nod a tacit greeting at his arrival. Countless panels lined the walls, matched by the array of machines standing on the white tile floor. In the center lay the bed, its occupant propped up in a sitting position.

Instead of her usual tight, no-nonsense bun on top of her head, Shepard's dark red hair fell in loose strands around her shoulders. A fresh spider web of healing lacerations etched into one side of her face from eyebrow to jawline. The authoritative commander was dwarfed by both the size of the bed and the fluffy pink bathrobe wrapped around her body. Despite her fragile state, her lips spread into a wide smile. "Joker!"

"Hey, Commander." He eased into the chair left vacant by the major, which was considerably more comfortable than the accommodations in the hallway. "You look…actually, to be honest, you look ridiculous."

She laughed, fingering the collar of the flamboyant fuchsia robe. "I know, I know. It was a gift, and I'm starting to wonder if it was a joke."

"Could be. Everyone knows your favorite color is purple, anyway."

"Not everyone knows me as well as you do." She adjusted the pillows behind her back and leaned forward. "I'm glad you're here. I wanted to thank you as soon as I got the chance."

He stared at the floor between them. "Thank me? I left you behind, I retreated, I—"

"You did the right thing." She waited until he glanced up again. "You got the Normandy away from the Crucible and you saved my crew. _Our_ crew. I'll always be grateful for that, and I'm sure I'm not alone."

Jeff resisted the urge to pull his cap down over his eyes and slump against the back of the chair in an effort to make himself disappear. "We didn't save everybody, though."

Awkward silence settled around them, interrupted by the occasional chirp of a monitor. "I'm sorry," Shepard finally said. "Kaidan told me about EDI."

"It wasn't your fault," he mumbled.

"I knew it was a risk when I activated the Crucible and destroyed the Reapers. Especially since she was partially based on their technology." She bit her lower lip as she frowned. "I'd hoped more than anything that this wouldn't be the outcome."

"Well, there's not much you could do." He resorted to his usual defense mechanism of sarcasm and wry remarks. "It's not like you could let the Reapers annihilate the galaxy all so I could live happily ever after for a few more minutes with my robot girlfriend."

"Joker…."

The thoughts that had been plaguing Jeff for weeks hovered on the tip of his tongue. He knew it was unfair to burden the recovering commander with his hidden secrets, yet he couldn't prevent the words from slipping out. "I probably deserved this, anyway," he muttered.

Shepard's bright green eyes focused on him like a pair of lasers. "What are you talking about?"

He shifted in his chair, trying to avoid her gaze. "Because you died saving me from the first Normandy. I know you've said you don't blame me and that you've forgiven all that's happened, but it was bound to catch up with me sooner or later. You know what they say about karma."

"Joker, don't—"

"Like it or not, it's true." He put up one hand and shook his head, cutting her off. "I took two years from you. Two years away from serving the Alliance and the rest of the galaxy, two years away from your family and friends, more than two years without Kaidan…." He didn't mean to let the bitterness creep into his voice, but it was undeniable. "I guess we're even now."

Commander Shepard had often returned to the ship after missions with her body bruised and bleeding, her armor covered in scorch marks, and on rare occasions, being half-dragged back on board by her teammates while barely conscious. Even with all those memories fresh in his mind, never before had Jeff ever seen her look so _hurt_. "I'm sorry you feel that way," she said in measured tones.

"Yeah, well." He fiddled with the brim of his cap. "Who knows, were it not for my unmatched stubbornness and stupidity, you might have been around to stop the Reapers from gaining such an advantage on us."

The doctor set down the datapad she'd been trying to busy herself with and took a step towards them. Before she could come closer and suggest they end their visit, Jeff climbed to his feet. "Sorry I wasn't very good company, Commander," he said. "Liara and Tali want to come see you tomorrow. I'm sure they'll make better conversation with you."

He was halfway to the door before Shepard called out to him. "Joker, I've certainly questioned some of my own decisions in the past. Things played out the way they did, and there's no use dwelling on how they could have been different." She paused. He didn't turn around. "You know, if it weren't for me winding up with Cerberus and everything that happened after that, you wouldn't have met and gotten to know EDI in the first place."

"I know that." Taking no consolation in her reminder, he exited the room.

Kaidan stood up as soon as the door opened. Jeff kept walking straight past him without any acknowledgement. He wanted to return to the ship as soon as possible, but he remembered how his leather throne seated above the kingdom of his controls offered him little solace these days. The Normandy and her crew was all he knew, all he had left. As he left the sterile environment of the hospital, he couldn't help but wonder – would it be enough?


	6. Chapter 6

_**AN: **I'm scooting out of town for a long weekend, it's probably going to be around a week until I can get a new chapter up. Read slowly! ;)_

* * *

Everything on the Normandy was in perfect condition for the commander's return. From the moment she boarded the ship, Shepard felt she was where she belonged. The thick metal beneath her boots, the gentle iridescence of the constant lighting, even the smell of the mess hall soothed the turbulence in her soul. A chorus of cheers and a dozen simultaneous salutes greeted her, and she nodded a courteous, humble acknowledgement.

She examined every deck in turn, starting from the bottom. James teased her about performing such a thorough inspection as her first order of business upon her return to duty. She simply smiled before continuing with her tour. There had been no doubt that not a single piece of equipment would be out of place, but she needed to see everything, hear everything, touch everything for herself.

She lingered at the memorial wall on the crew deck. Out of the corner of her eye, she could sense some of her friends hovering a respectful distance away, observing her reactions. She chose not to call attention to them, focusing on the columns of names instead.

_So many lost…._

Her fingertips brushed Anderson's plaque in the center. Now more than ever she wished for the benefits of his guidance, from the large-scale efforts to restore Earth to lending extra support for the suffering Joker. But the admiral was gone, and she owed it to him to provide leadership for her team and the rest of humanity. She cast one more look at the wall and turned around to enter the elevator, paying no mind to the crewmates who scurried out of sight as she pivoted on her heel.

Up in her private cabin, Shepard took a seat at her desk. She ran her hands over the keyboard of her personal terminal, settling into the familiarity. The room was exactly as she'd left it, from the model ships on the shelves to the framed photographs next to her monitor. Someone had even remembered to feed her fish in her absence.

The door opened behind her. Only one person had the freedom to enter without her permission, and she waited for him to address her. "I wanted to see how you were doing on your first day back," Kaidan said.

"I'm fine."

Footsteps crossed the room, stopping at the edge of her chair. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back, leaning against Kaidan's stomach. "It's good to be back here, but it's hard, too," she said. "At a certain point, I didn't think I would ever see the Normandy again."

His hands rested on her shoulders, giving them a soft squeeze. "You have no idea how glad I am to have you back on board."

"I can hazard a guess." She opened her eyes. Her gaze rested on the contents of one of the picture frames, the shot of all her friends gathered at Anderson's apartment on the now-defunct Citadel. One figure sent a fresh rush of grief through her heart. "The ship's not the same without EDI," she said quietly.

"I know." Strong fingers rubbed concise circles at the base of her neck, pinpointing the most tense areas with precision. "No one saw that coming, but I guess it couldn't be helped."

Shepard wanted nothing more than to lose herself to the soothing rhythm of his touch, but his words kindled the guilt she'd been trying to suppress for weeks. "That's not true…."

"What?" His movements halted. "I don't understand, what do you mean?"

She didn't say anything right away, mulling over the best way of phrasing her confessions and regretting letting the cracks show in her façade of strength.

Kaidan leaned over and kissed the top of her head. The backs of his fingers caressed her cheek, yet he didn't force her to turn around. "Talk to me, Vera."

The sound of her first name echoed in her ears with a foreign reverberation. For so long, she had been Shepard the icon, the exemplar, the hero. Now she sat with one of the few people who saw past the idolization and arguably knew her better than anyone else in the galaxy. There were no more secrets between them. "A lot happened in the last moments of the Citadel," she finally said. "There are quite a few things I left out of my official report."

Even without facing him, she could feel him smile and hear the bemusement in his voice. "You actually filled out an official report?"

"Some days I had a lot of downtime in the hospital."

"Right."

Images drifted in and out of her mind, some depicted with perfect clarity while others blurred at the edges. "The Illusive Man was right," she said. "Controlling the Reapers was possible. It just couldn't have been him to do it."

"How do you know?"

"The Catalyst isn't what we thought." Shepard frowned at the memory. "It was actually an AI aboard the Citadel. It explained to me the different ways I could use the Crucible…." She rubbed her temples with her thumb and forefinger, fighting off the onset of a headache. "Anderson had just died. I honestly thought I'd be joining him any minute. And I just wanted it all to _stop_."

"And it did. You did what no one thought possible, you defeated the Reapers."

"I know that. But I had options." The headache wasn't going away as she tried to explain herself. "I could have taken control of the Reapers and the Citadel and saved more lives, but it meant becoming like them. I could have merged us with the synthetics and let everyone and everything live peacefully. But there just wasn't enough time to think things through."

Kaidan's gentle strokes resumed. "You had no way of knowing—"

"Oh, but I did. The Catalyst was very clear about what would happen. In fact, it even suggested that I'd be destroying myself considering all the tech Cerberus used to bring me back to life." Shepard scooted the chair forward, away from Kaidan's grasp, and leaned her elbows on the desk. "Everything hurt and I was so, so tired. All I could think of was vengeance, annihilating the Reapers like they did to countless civilizations before us. Trust me, my motivations weren't entirely pure."

"No one's ever going to say you didn't do the right thing."

EDI's orange visor glinted from the picture frame, angled towards Joker in an adoring gaze frozen in time. "I'm trying to believe that, I really am. But so much of what I worked so hard for, from EDI developing into her own person to the quarians making peace with the geth doesn't even matter now. All I can do is hope it was worth it, because they're gone forever and it's all because of me."

"But how many people are alive because of you?" Kaidan argued.

"Regardless of what I did, someone was going to lose, something had to be sacrificed. It's like Virmire all over again, except this time I sent entire races into oblivion."

Kaidan spun her chair around and knelt in front of her, staring up into her eyes. "You did what you thought was right at the moment, just like every other time. Anyone else probably would have made the same call." He slid her hands into his, entangling their fingers. "Come on, you always said that second guessing yourself never changed anything."

Her shoulders slumped, relenting. "It's good advice, but it doesn't make the losses sting any less."

"I know."

Shepard allowed him to pull them both to their feet. His arms wrapped around her waist, pressing her against him. She nestled her head in the crook of his neck and let out a long, heavy sigh. "Even the people we saved are hurting so much. I don't think there's a single person in the galaxy who didn't lose someone close to them in this war."

"Probably not. But the only thing we can do is keep moving forward, to honor their memory by living the way they would have wanted us to." He tucked a stray lock of her hair behind her ear. "And I know you, Vera. You're going to throw yourself into the middle of all the action, you're going to try to help every last person who needs to be helped, and the world is going to be better than it ever was before. That's what I love about you."

His solid shoulder beneath her cheek offered her a sturdy, tangible reassurance. Just as she was about to close her eyes and let him whisk her away to a place where she could forget her angst, her gaze fell on the framed photograph once more. Joker's shy smile and palpable devotion to his most treasured companion stoked the embers of the analytical portion of her brain.

She straightened up. "I know what I want to do. What I _have_ to do."

"What's that?"

"I'm going to rebuild EDI."


	7. Chapter 7

Jeff sat on a patio outside of a cafeteria he didn't care about, which was part of a complex of buildings he didn't care about, located on a planet he didn't care about. With Shepard back in command of the Normandy, she received her orders from the Alliance to help with the restoration efforts and set a course for her pilot to follow. Even on non-official side trips such as this one, he simply followed the coordinates without question. The joy that once flowed through his veins as he steered his beloved ship had faded away. He devoted just enough mental energy necessary to fulfill his duties of flying and landing the ship safely.

Beyond the veranda stretched a rolling landscape dotted with a number of structures surrounding the larger compound. The pleasant scenery reminded him of Tiptree, though it had been years since he'd last returned to his home colony. He'd yet to hear any news regarding his remaining family's potential escape from the Reaper forces. The fears of the inevitable were gradually shifting into the acceptance of reality.

The legs of a chair scraped along the stone tiles beside him, jarring him from his reverie. Kaidan joined him at his table, setting down two bottles. "Shepard's going to be a while," he said. "You looked like you wouldn't mind some refreshments."

"What, did you get kicked out of the meeting of the girls' club?"

"They haven't seen each other in a while. I figured I'd let them catch up."

Jeff picked up one of the bottles and examined it. "Beer? Damn, the facilities in the private sector really are a hell of a lot nicer than what the Alliance offers, or at least better stocked."

Kaidan laughed. "Thinking about retirement?"

"No. But if we're going to be here as long as you say we are, I'll accept your offering and take a break before going back to the ship's controls."

He leaned forward and tapped the neck of Jeff's bottle with his own before taking a sip. "I'm still not used to seeing you disembark every time we land somewhere. There's probably a good number of people on the crew who had never seen you outside of the cockpit before a few months ago."

"Mm-hmm."

They sat in silence, staring out over the grassy hills. "So how's it going?" Kaidan asked, fidgeting with his beverage.

"Fine."

"It seems that every time I ask that question, regardless of who I'm asking it of, I get the same answer."

"I don't know what else to say."

"You can say whatever you'd like."

Jeff kept his gaze trained on the smudge of trees in the distance. "Did that two years when you believed Shepard was dead ever get any easier?" he finally asked.

"Yes and no." Kaidan took another swig of the amber-colored liquid. "In time, I accepted what had happened and tried to move on because I _had_ to. But I always loved her and that never went away."

A pair of bright red birds emerged from the forest, flapping their wings. Jeff watched them circle overhead. "This place reminds me of home," he said. "Even with all the memories and destruction, I wanted to bring EDI there one day. I mean, I'm sure she had plenty of data on Tiptree in that huge robot brain of hers, but I wanted to show it to her myself."

"I'm sure she would have loved it."

"She would have had a million questions about the people who were there."

"And you would have loved answering every single one."

"Yup."

One side of Kaidan's mouth curved up in a half-smile. "I'm sorry I never really got to know her. By the time I came back on board the Normandy, there was already so much going on, and I knew how much the two of you enjoyed spending your free time together."

"Don't worry, I'm sure she knew everything there was to know about you."

He chuckled. "Shepard told me it had taken some time to get used to her being everywhere on the ship, and that she was a little skeptical at first about trusting such an advanced AI."

"I was, too." Jeff shook his head. "We didn't get along at first, I have to admit. I kind of resented her taking over the Normandy, even though the new one wasn't really _my_ ship."

"It's understandable."

"Obviously I got over it. Though when we started becoming friendlier after I removed her restrictions, I did refer to her as 'Mom' on a few occasions."

Kaidan's smirk widened into a broad grin. "That's not awkward at all."

Jeff finally laughed with him. "Hey, in my defense, she was little more than a disembodied voice of reason at the time."

"True. By the time I rejoined the crew, she'd already taken over that doctor's frame." More of the beer disappeared. "Don't tell anyone, but it scared the shit out of me the first time I saw _that_ again."

"I'll bet." The melancholy pilot rolled his bottle between his palms as he continued to watch the sunbeams splay across the windswept grasses. "You know, everyone made comments about EDI's hot new body, and I'll be the first to agree that her appearance had its merits, but…." He took a drink. "After a while, I realized it didn't matter. Hell, she could have installed herself in a defunct geth and I would have felt the same way about her."

"Scars and all, they do always find a way to latch onto our hearts and never let go."

"At least with Shepard, you should know by now that there's always a chance she's coming back."

"Also true, but I try not to take it for granted."

Jeff didn't find all the major's words as reassuring as he would have hoped. "I don't know if I can say the same. She was an AI, integrated into the ship. I probably did think she would be around forever, or at least far longer than any of us." He glanced down, swirling the fluid around in his bottle. "She pulled our asses out of the fire more than once, and later on, I knew she was concerned about protecting me. I never thought I'd be the one in this position."

"No one could have known."

"That doesn't help." He set his drink down on the table and buried his head in his hands. "From the first moment I realized I was attracted to her, I've always felt like I was one step behind, trying to wrap my mind around the whole situation. I had my doubts and concerns, and yeah, I was worried about what other people might think, but Shepard helped me realize it was worth a shot, to be with her and see what happened." Memories of EDI on the Citadel, from making observations on the dance floor to sharing a cozy table with him at the club, pulsed through him. "I guess this is just one possibility I didn't expect."

Kaidan's voice was gentle and steady. "Did you love her?"

"Yeah. I did."

"Did she know that?"

Jeff didn't know whether to try to relive every conversation, every gesture, every shared moment, or whether to try to forget them forever. "God, I hope so."

"Then I don't think you took her for granted."

He looked up again. The sun slowly started to sink below the line of trees, the array of buildings casting shadows across the fields. Another day passed, another day where he was alive and she was gone. Survival was a hollow victory.

Next to him, Kaidan shifted in his metal chair. "Sometimes I wonder how things could have been different — if I'd told Shepard how I felt about her sooner, if I could have saved the two of you on the first Normandy, if I hadn't turned away from her on Horizon, and so on. But when we were trying to reach the Citadel's beam and she made you come pick me up, and I knew there was a chance I might never see her again, you know what I was thinking?"

"What's that?"

His dark eyes stared straight ahead. "We were together. We had something special, and that's what mattered. Because of that, I wouldn't have changed anything. Not a single thing."

The pastel hues of the sunset enveloped the veranda in a soothing glow. Jeff leaned back in his seat and watched the orange orb descend further, yet its presence never fully disappeared. "Neither would I," he murmured.


	8. Chapter 8

Arched ceilings loomed overhead as Shepard entered the spacious laboratory. Every wall was lined with vivid monitors, and holograms projected from the work tables edging the perimeter of the room. This planet had escaped the brunt of the Reaper War and the top-of-the-line facility remained intact, making it one of the ideal bases of operations to reconstruct the galaxy.

Her boots tapped on the pristine floor as she made her way towards the pair of dark-haired women standing across from her. The taller of the two turned around at the sound of her approach, and her lips spread into a wide grin. "Shepard!"

The commander returned the smile. "It's good to see you, Miranda." She nodded to the younger girl. "You too, Oriana."

Miranda shook her head. "When I'd heard you were still alive…."

"Just think of it this way, at least you didn't have to devote two years and an ungodly amount of credits to bring me back this time around."

"True." She laughed. "So, uh…are we hugging? Is that what girlfriends do? I never really knew."

Oriana rolled her eyes and nudged her sister with her elbow. "She's one of your closest friends and she came all the way out here just to see you. Go give her a hug, you dope."

Shepard welcomed the heartfelt embrace. "See, it's not so bad to show a shred of emotion every now and then."

"I still don't like to make a habit out of it." Miranda stepped backwards and raised her arms, turning in a slow circle. "So what do you think? It certainly isn't Cerberus, but we're getting a lot of good work done here."

"You look like you're right at home."

"That's because they let her be in charge," Oriana said with a smirk. "Not only does she get to do research on the most efficient ways to rebuild, but once she formulates a plan, she gets to tell everyone else what to do and boss them around."

"Ori!"

Younger sister slid her arm around the elder one's waist and squeezed. "I'm only teasing you. You're very good at what you do and we're all lucky to have you."

Shepard watched the siblings' interactions with bemusement. "You did always say, Miranda, that your sister had a better sense of humor than you. That said, I'm suddenly feeling glad that I don't have a brother or sister of my own."

Miranda ruffled the girl's hair. "It's got more pros than cons."

"Gee, thanks." Oriana squirmed away.

Leaving aside the gentle ribbing, Miranda pulled up a stool at one of the tables and gestured for her friend to do the same. "All joking aside, I can never thank you enough for what you've done for us," she said. "That we're both alive, and free of my father, not to mention that assassin…."

Shepard sat down. "I wouldn't have let either of them harm you."

"I know. That means a lot to me." She glanced over her shoulder to where Oriana had resumed scanning through a list of data on a monitor. "Working alongside my sister and seeing the woman she's growing into is the greatest gift anyone could have ever given me."

"I'm so happy it all worked out for you." The commander clasped her hands in front of her. "And I normally don't do this, but I was hoping you could perhaps help me with something in return."

One dark eyebrow lifted, but Miranda showed no other signs of surprise. "Of course, Shepard. Anything."

"I did want to see firsthand how you were doing, but I'll admit I had other reasons for coming here." She looked around the room, making a casual inspection of all the expensive tools spread before them. "I need to get access to some Cerberus data, maybe talk to some more former members, whatever's left. I figured you'd be a good place to start."

The eyebrow twitched again. "I can certainly give you some leads and eventually point you in the right direction, but you're going to have to narrow it down. What, precisely, are you looking for?"

Shepard dropped her gaze down to her entwined fingers. "I'm sure you've heard by now that when I activated the Crucible, it irreparably damaged EDI. Nothing the crew did could restore her."

"I did hear about that, and I'm sorry."

"I want to see if there's any possible way to get her back. If she's gone completely, I want to build her again. The more original people and plans I have on this, the better."

"That's a nice idea, but surely you don't need such an advanced AI aboard the Normandy anymore. After all, you and some of your friends were so quick to remind me that you got by just fine on your original ship without one."

"I know, I know." Shepard sighed. "But it's not for me, or us, even. It's Joker."

Miranda leaned back in her seat. "Ah. I see."

"I can't stand seeing him like this. He keeps saying he's fine, he'll be okay, but I know there's something missing." She rested her elbows on the table and propped her head up on her hands. "We've been through so much together. Life, death, and everything in between."

"I know. From the moment I met him, I could tell how important your friendship was to each other."

She smiled wistfully. "Yeah, I've heard him tell people that I literally couldn't have gotten anywhere without him. And that he always got me there in style."

"A valid point."

"So you can understand why I want to do this. I want my pilot back—not just any old pilot, but _my_ pilot. Joker. And if EDI's the only thing that can rekindle that spark…."

Miranda's forehead creased in a sympathetic expression. "Does he know why you're here?"

"No," Shepard admitted. "He won't talk to me about EDI, and I don't want to force him. Every time he looks at me, though, I know he blames me for what happened."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Let's not go down that path right now."

She smirked. "Again, it's not hard to see why you two are friends."

Shepard lifted her head and looked at the other woman. "Do you think you can help me?"

"I'll make some calls and send some messages and see what I can dig up." Ice blue eyes stared back at her with uncertainty. "I do have to ask, however, are you sure this is the right time for your plan? There's still so much to be done with the restoration efforts, and I want to make sure resources are allocated—"

"Randa!" Oriana appeared at her sister's shoulder again. "Listen to yourself! Shepard's done so much, not just for you and me, and all she's asking for is one thing in return." A grin splayed across the teenager's lips to indicate she wasn't as upset as her volume and tone suggested. "Besides, I would have thought you'd love the extra challenge to fit even more work into the limited hours of the day."

"You're right. Forgive me, Shepard."

"No problem," said the commander.

"I'll see if I can find a list of developers and programmers who worked on the original project and go from there." Miranda's lashes fluttered as she looked down at the table's surface. "Considering I had a hand in bringing Joker to Cerberus to make you more receptive to working with them, I suppose I owe him as well."

"Thank you, Miranda. I really appreciate it."

Shepard stood up as if to leave, but Miranda put a hand out to stop her. "I know you said you didn't want to talk about certain things, but how are you doing?" she asked. "And if you don't want to tell me, that's fine."

"I'm all right." She looked back and forth between the two sisters. Seeing their flourishing relationship and their combined determination to aid the survivors of the war helped soothe her grief over those she couldn't save. "I'm all right," she repeated. "And even better after coming here."


	9. Chapter 9

Jeff shuffled into the Normandy's med bay and greeted the woman inside. "Hey, Doc," he said. "You know, next time you want to talk to me, it would be a lot easier if you came up to the cockpit."

Dr. Chakwas swiveled around in her chair, a prim smile upon her face. "Yes, that's true, but I wanted to make sure our conversation remained private and uninterrupted."

He eased himself onto one of the exam tables and let his legs dangle off the edge. "So why did you call me down here?"

"I'm worried about you, Jeff."

"I don't know why. I haven't even fractured anything in over a month."

"I'm not referring to your Vrolik syndrome."

Jeff knew she hadn't summoned him to check on his physical condition; he also knew he likely wouldn't be successful in dodging her other inquiries. "I'm fine," he mumbled.

"I wish I could believe that." Dr. Chakwas stood up and took a seat next to him, a surprisingly friendly gesture from the composed, professional woman. "You wander through this ship in a daze, you don't speak to anyone unless they speak to you first…not only am I concerned about you, but I have to keep in mind the well-being of the rest of the crew."

He jerked his head to the side to glare at her. "Come on, Doc. You know I would never do anything to endanger the Normandy."

"I know you always have the best of intentions, but you can't tell me you haven't been distracted since…the crash landing."

"So what now?" Jeff couldn't keep the tinges of anger out of his voice. "Are you going to write up a report on me? Tell the Alliance I'm not fit for duty so I can sit behind a desk for the rest of my career?"

The wrinkles at the corners of her eyes deepened with her sympathetic expression. "I would prefer not to do any such thing."

"Well, then what?"

Dr. Chakwas gently patted his knee. "Surely you must have some vacation time banked, and if not, I have no doubt it would be approved regardless. Why don't you take some of that time off?"

"And do what exactly?"

"Relax. Recharge." She tilted her head to the side. "Grieve."

Jeff wasn't convinced. "And just where am I supposed to go? My home's been destroyed, my family is dead, and half the galaxy is in ruins."

"I'm sure there are still some quiet, well-equipped places where you could escape for a week or so."

"All by myself? Sounds like a great vacation." Jeff slid off the table and stood up. "With all due respect, Doctor, I don't know what the difference is between me sitting up in the cockpit by myself, or lounging around, staring at the walls at some Alliance-approved R and R site. I might as well just stay here, where at least I have a job to do to make myself useful."

He was almost to the door before Dr. Chakwas called after him. "Just think about it, Jeff. Please."

"Yup." The doors opened with a hiss and he made his way back to the elevator.

* * *

"Hi, Joker." Shepard's footsteps approached on the path leading to the pilot. "Traynor said you wanted to see me?"

Jeff turned the chair to face her. "Yeah, I did." He nodded towards the empty space beside him. "Have a seat."

"You sure?"

"It's fine, go ahead."

She arranged herself in the chair once occupied by his co-pilot and folded her hands in her lap. "So what's going on?"

"I, uh…." He scratched the back of his head beneath his cap and looked away from her. There was no easy way to have this conversation. "I put in for a transfer to a different ship. I'll be leaving the Normandy in a week."

When he glanced up again, Shepard's hurt feelings were clearly splayed across her face, disappointment interlocking with the fresher of her scars. "I see," she simply said.

Jeff let out a loud sigh. "It's not because of you, or anyone else on board, or anything like that."

"I would hope not."

"It's just that…she's everywhere, you know?" He tilted back in his leather chair and stared up at the ceiling. "Every room on this ship, every light, every shadow. EDI _was_ the ship, and you know how much I always loved the Normandy."

"I do know that."

"But everything's different now. Everywhere I look when I'm on board, I'm reminded of how she's not here. The ship's not the same without her. _I'm_ not the same without her, and I think I just need to get away for a while to work stuff out."

Shepard leaned towards him, resting her elbows on her knees. Her green eyes glittered in the dim illumination of the cockpit. "We've been through a lot together with this ship, highs and lows," she said. "I'd like to think that the good memories outweigh the bad ones, but I understand if that's not the case."

Even with her acceptance and compassion, Jeff couldn't quell the uneasiness in his stomach. "I don't mean to keep rehashing old business, but I just want to try to explain myself better," he said. "I know you keep saying you don't blame me for your death on the original Normandy and the two years you lost, and I believe you. But you can't tell me there's not that little voice in the back of your mind that reminds you how everything could have been different. 'If it weren't for Joker, I never would have gotten entangled with Cerberus. If it weren't for Joker, I wouldn't have had to explain myself to all my old friends and the Alliance. If it weren't for Joker, I wouldn't have had my heart broken by Kaidan,' and so on."

She didn't say anything.

"Logically, I know it's not your fault that EDI's gone," he continued. "It's not like you killed her, or fried her circuits, or whatever permanently took her offline. No matter what my brain tells me, though, there's still that little voice that tells me she could still be here if…."

Air whirred through the ship's ventilation system, emphasizing the silence in its foremost chamber. "I don't suppose there's anything I could say at this point to change your mind," Shepard said in a quiet voice.

"Probably not." Jeff let his fingertips skate over the steering controls, knowing he'd be leaving them for a different set in a short period of time. "Look, Commander, you've always been a good friend to me, and I want it to stay that way. Let me just take some time to get my head on straight, figure my shit out, and we'll go from there."

"Okay." She stood up but didn't retreat down the hallway right away. "Even if you're not my pilot, you know, if you ever need anything, all you have to do is ask."

"Thanks. I appreciate it."

"And whatever it is you need to get yourself back on track, I hope you find it."

"Me too."

Shepard's boots padded away from the front of the ship, leaving Jeff alone in the cockpit once more. After checking on their plotted course to their next destination, he slumped to the side, rubbing his eyes with one hand. The vast sea of stars beyond the window enveloped him in their fathomless serenity, and he yawned. There was a lot to do before he made his final departure from the Normandy.


	10. Chapter 10

An icy blast of wind hit Shepard in the face as she descended from the shuttle. Gritting her teeth and ducking her head, she hurried towards the building's door opposite the landing pad, taking care not to slip and fall in a snowbank. "Scientists," she muttered under her breath. "Why do they always insist on setting up their labs where it's so damned cold?"

Once through the entrance, she wiped her boots on the provided mat and shook the snowflakes out of her hair. A clerk greeted her and escorted her up a staircase, where they passed through several gates the man had to bypass with a keycard. Finally, they arrived at her destination and she pushed open the door.

"Shepard!"

"Jacob!"

The two friends met in the center of the room. Jacob extended his hand and she gripped it in a firm, yet playful handshake. "Looks like you're not taking any chances with all the heightened security around here," she said.

He laughed, though it was tinged with bitterness. "Cerberus and The Illusive Man may be gone, but their memories are still fresh in most of our minds. Most of the people you helped save on Gellix have relocated here."

"You'll keep them safe. I know it."

Jacob took a seat in front of a row of glowing panels and indicated for the commander to do the same. "It's good to see you alive and well," he said. "There was never any doubt in my mind that you'd go out and kick some Reaper ass."

"I'll pretend I had that same level of confidence throughout the entire mission." Shepard tried to turn the topic away from the war. "How's Brynn doing?"

"Cranky about not being here at work. The baby's due any day now."

She smiled. "And along those lines, how are _you_ doing?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "Still terrified."

Shepard crossed her legs and leaned back in her chair. "You have nothing to worry about, Jacob. You're going to be a terrific father."

"At least I have a pretty good idea of what _not_ to do." A sly grin crept across his face. "I do have to ask—now that you've done the impossible and saved the galaxy from imminent destruction, you ever think about hanging up your helmet and finally settling down?"

"I…I don't know yet."

"If anyone's earned it, it's you." The smirk remained upon his lips. "Tell me, Shepard, are the offspring of two Spectres automatically granted the same status and privileges?"

She felt a wave of heat rise to her cheeks and she looked down. "With the Citadel gone," she quickly mumbled, "I don't think the Council—"

"I'm just messing with you." After another hearty bout of laughter, the amusement faded from Jacob's eyes. "Really, though, no one would hold it against you if you decided you needed some time for yourself."

Shepard kept staring at the point on the floor in front of her. "There's still so much to do…."

"You personally can't fix everything."

"No, but I have a couple priorities." She finally lifted her gaze to meet his deep brown eyes. "You know why I came here, to check up on our project in person."

"Right." Jacob reached behind him and grabbed a datapad off the counter. "It was a challenge, but I was able to locate a lot of people and files pertinent to your interests."

"I knew you could do it."

"Actually getting them all in the same place was another challenge, but consider your team assembled." He glanced up from the screen in his lap. "The credits you transferred over to me helped greatly as a motivational tool."

She shrugged her shoulders. "It's not like I have a lot of use for them. Just about everything I need is on the Normandy."

Dark eyes looked her over. "This is really that important to you?"

Shepard stared right back at him. "You know me, Jacob. My crew comes first."

"Yes, I do." His expression softened. "And from my time spent as part of that crew, I know it's useless to try to argue with you."

"Smart man."

He stood up. "Let me show you around. You can see a little of what's been done so far."

Together, they left the room and started down a long corridor. "I heard Joker asked to be reassigned," Jacob said as they walked. "Sorry about that."

"If he needed the time away, I wasn't going to fight him. Not after everything that happened."

"He'll come around and be back before you know it."

"I certainly hope so."

They stopped in front of a wide glass window. Beyond the clear pane, a half dozen men and women worked at various terminals. Coffee cups and food wrappers littered the workspace and several humorous posters adorned the walls. Though Shepard couldn't hear the exact words, the rumbles of light banter made their way through the window to her ears. She nodded her approval to Jacob, for it appeared he had created a pleasant environment for the people they'd recruited to do what she was asking of them.

"The data on the creation of the original EDI was difficult to retrieve," Jacob said. "And a lot of what we got was either encrypted or damaged."

"I hope there's good news."

He beamed at her. "I wouldn't have brought you here if we'd failed. The Alliance, Cerberus, or anything in between, you know how much I hate failure."

"I noticed that when we were playing Shattered Eezo at the arcade."

"I still think you let me win," he said, laughing.

"I'll never tell."

They continued down the hallway to a smaller room. Only one person sat inside, and she stood up when they entered. Jacob gestured for her sit back down. "This is Sophie," he said. "She hadn't been with Cerberus for very long before Brynn got her out."

The young scientist ignored his subtle suggestion. "Oh, Commander Shepard!" she said. "It's an honor to have you here at our facility. I'm sorry I never got the chance to thank you for getting us off Gellix safely."

"Don't worry about it. I'm just glad the evacuation was successful."

"Sophie's been in contact with your comm specialist," Jacob said. "Traynor has transferred over whatever files and logs we've requested."

Shepard's eyebrows knit together. "I don't understand," she said. "Why would you need data from the ship?"

"Once we pieced together what we got from the old Cerberus files, duplicating them wasn't very hard. Just time-consuming," Sophie said. "But a lot happened since EDI's initial creation, and I knew you wouldn't be satisfied with just the basics."

"Okay…."

A twinkle appeared in the woman's bright blue eyes. "Using what Traynor sent me, we can integrate a history of the events since EDI was installed on the Normandy with the original files. It won't be perfect, but the newer version will 'remember' things that were recorded."

The commander let out a low whistle. "Wow," she said. "That's pretty impressive."

"Thank you."

"Now, when you say it won't be perfect, what does that mean?"

"As I'm sure you know, when the AI shackles were removed, EDI became more of an autonomous being. That we'll never be able to fully replicate," Sophie said. "The new EDI will have a recollection of facts, but we have no way of copying anything that would be the equivalent of an emotional reaction, or a subjective opinion, or things like that."

She nodded slowly. "I see," she said.

"There's still a world of possibility there," Jacob said. "I know what you're trying to accomplish and why you're doing this, and there's no reason why—"

Shepard cut him off. "It's the best we can do." Memories of Joker and EDI drifted back to her, from the pilot's initial disdain, to acceptance, to appreciation, to the strongest sentiment of them all. "If they fell in love once, it can happen again," she murmured softly.


	11. Chapter 11

_Got a little swamped with work and the holidays and everything! Good thing there's not a huge number of chapters left to write..._

* * *

Workers scurried around the space station, unloading supplies and moving crates to their ultimate destinations. Jeff didn't know what they were transporting, nor did he know why they needed a military escort. Had curiosity sparked within him, he was sure he could find details in some sort of report or briefing. Ever since leaving the Normandy and flying other vessels, he cared little about his assignments and simply steered towards the coordinates he was given.

He'd been politely asked to leave the ship while it was docked, something being mumbled about cleaning crews and other information he decided he didn't care about. Carefully perching himself atop a stack of empty boxes, he sat in the loading zone and watched the bustle of efficiency swarm around him.

"Joker? Is that you?"

Jeff turned towards the voice that had addressed him. A dark-haired woman wearing a leather jacket and little else to cover the tattoos on her torso strode towards him. "Well, I'll be damned," she said. "I didn't think I'd ever see your sorry ass without the rest of the Normandy providing backup."

"Always a pleasure, Jack."

"So Shepard loosened your leash and collar a bit? Or did one of her favorite pets run away from home?"

He tugged on the brim of his cap, glancing away from her. "I requested a transfer, actually."

"Shit. I had no idea." Jack hopped up beside him, the heels of her boots bouncing off the wooden crates as she swung her legs back and forth. "Everything okay with you guys? Or did Alenko catch you ogling her ass and kick you off the ship himself?"

Jeff laughed for what felt like the first time in weeks. "Nah, the Commander was never my type in the first place. We're fine." He tried to turn the subject away from his departure from the Normandy. "So what's going on here? What is this place and why'd they let you in?"

"Such smartassed remarks coming from someone who knows I can break his bones without even laying a finger on him."

"Please, a swift breeze can break my bones. You don't scare me…anymore."

Jack smirked and rolled her eyes. "Damn Shepard, ruining the reputation I spent so many years building for myself." She gestured towards a large structure where most of the workers were heading with their cargo. "We're rebuilding the Grissom Academy," she said. "Rather than try to salvage what was left of the old one, it was decided it would be better to just start fresh somewhere else. New beginnings and all that flowery crap."

"I take it you weren't in support of the plan to relocate?"

"Didn't make a difference to me." She shrugged her shoulders. "Teaching the kids, that's what counts. Doesn't matter if we're in some top-of-the-line facility or some shithole on Omega, just as long as the job gets done and they're learning what they need to know."

"Somewhere in there is an eloquent statement about the fundamentals of education."

"Yeah, that's me, always the eloquent one." The half-smile stayed on her full lips as she gazed out over the ongoing project. "I guess I picked that up from my time spent on the Normandy with you and Shepard and the rest of them."

Jeff turned to face her. "What's that?"

"Who you're with matters more than where you are. These kids need a leader, someone who'll always have their backs, and I won't let them down."

"A lovely sentiment. Any other life lessons we imparted on you?"

Jack rubbed the back of her head, running her fingers through her closely cropped hair. "Sometimes really, _really_ fucked-up shit happens. And just when you think it can't possibly get any worse, boom, you're on the other side of it and somehow you're still alive and breathing."

Not everything in the original Subject Zero files had been made available to him—not that he cared to know every single detail—but it was no secret among the Normandy's crew that Jack's life had been filled with tragedy and horrors before she joined them. Looking at the confident instructor beside him, Jeff didn't know whether to be impressed by her progress, jealous, or both. "Alive and breathing is one thing," he said. "Actually _living_ is another, and I think you're well aware of that."

"Now who's getting all philosophical?" She narrowed her dark eyes at him. "What's this about, Joker? Why did you really leave Shepard and her merry band of misfits?"

Nearly everyone in the galaxy had suffered loss in the aftermath of the war, and though grief still gnawed at him, it was tempered with guilt over what he felt was its relative insignificance. "EDI's gone and I couldn't take being on the ship without her anymore," he said. "And I know that everyone else was just trying to help and be nice to me, but I think that just made things worse. I needed to get away."

Jack snorted. "Did Shepard keep coming around to your personal space to urge you to talk about your feelings until you wanted to punch something? I know what that's like."

"Just about."

Looking down at her lap, she picked at the hem of her jacket. "It's the pity that's always the worst," she said quietly. "When they look at you like you're broken and one wrong move will shatter you into pieces."

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Fuck that."

"Easier said than done." Jeff sighed. "Everyone keeps feeding me the bullshit of how sorry they are, how time heals all wounds, how it's better to have loved and lost, blah blah blah. Saying nothing would have been better than useless platitudes."

"And then in trying to become numb to how ridiculous they sound when they try to wash away your misery because it's uncomfortable for them, you wind up becoming numb to everything in general."

He hadn't expected such insight from the random encounter with his former teammate. "So what happens next?"

Jack laughed and gave him a gentle nudge. "You're asking me? I'm the absolute last person you should be seeking advice from, dumbass."

"Why not? You seem to be doing pretty well for yourself now."

"It's not like I took the best path to get here," she said with another casual shrug. "I didn't care whether I lived or died, I sought out one type of pain to distract me from another, and I dreamed of that blissful numb feeling we just talked about. That's a piss-poor way of handling things."

"Good thing we sprung you from that prison when we did."

"Yeah, no shit." Jack looked up at him again. "Look, Joker, I know that sometimes Shepard is so goddamn irritating with her persistence and her endless questions about what's hiding in the depths of your soul, and sometimes you just want to squeeze that pretty little self-righteous head of hers with a biotic field until it bursts, but she means well. They all do."

"I know."

"And it's always good to know who's there for you, even when you just want to say to hell with it and disappear for a while." The ends of her ponytail brushed her shoulder as she tilted her head to the side. "Now, don't think I'm telling you to go running back to the Normandy with your tail between your legs. Do whatever the hell you want, you've definitely earned it."

"I don't want to be there right now," Jeff said.

"So keep on doing what you're doing. Travel the galaxy, start an orphanage for the victims of the war, blow your entire Alliance paycheck on asari hookers. Whatever gets you through to the next day."

He managed a smile for her behalf. "That's probably the most useful thing anyone's said to me in a long time."

"What can I say, I'm a kick-ass teacher." Jack hopped off the pile of crates and straightened out her minimal clothing. "I'd offer to take you out to go shoot some shit up to blow off steam, but I remembered that guns aren't really your thing."

A chuckle rumbled from his chest. "Thanks, but I'll pass."

"Let me know if you change your mind," she said. "Until then, I guess I'd better start sorting through all this crap that you guys brought us."

"Will do. And Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

She rolled her eyes and put a hand on her hip. "If you tell any of my students that I sat here with you and held your hand while you moped about your pathetic life, I'll hunt you down."

"Duly noted."

Jeff watched her saunter towards the building intended to house the new Academy. He and Jack had never been close friends, but he was grateful for the candid chat. Somewhere inside him, the thick haze started to shift and allowed the first sliver of light to permeate the layers of hurt.


End file.
